#9: Red Planet

Once you go Mars… You go back to Earth. And stay there.

Look. I know this movie sucks ok? I could go on and on and on about why everything is just a big mess and nothing makes ANY sense in this film. But I am only going to cover the main reasons why this movie makes no sense. Ok?

If you’re looking for a short review then here it is: STAY AWAY. STAY FAR AWAY FROM THIS MOVIE!!!

As always spoils will now follow:

Plot: In the year 2025, the earth is completely running out of resources. There is too many people on earth and they have consumed nearly all of the earth’s resources by now. Years earlier, a secret government program began sending probes to Mars filled with some kind of toxin that grows algae on Mars. See the goal is to try and stabilize Mars so that the people of earth can be eventually sent there to try and start a new world. The secret government program discovers that it is possible to grow algae on Mars and O2 levels begin to appear. However… recently the algae has begun to disappear and the O2 levels have been dropping. So there’s this astronaut team sent to Mars in order to discover why there is no algae anymore and why the O2 levels are not showing up anymore. The team is consisting of Val-Kilmer (the “space janitor”), Carrie-Ann Moss (the ship’s captain), Tom Sizemore (he’s some kind of doctor), Terence Stamp (he’s a scientist but he constantly mentions the use of philosophy in anything he talks about), Simon Baker (another scientist but he ends up trying to kill some of the crew) and a ton of other no-bodies that are not important whatsoever to this film.

This is where things get messed up. The plot constantly goes crazy and cannot decide which direction to go: There’s the issue over the missing algae, there’s the side story of Simon Baker being a murderer, the crew’s robot goes crazy and starts killing the team off one by one, another side plot as to why the crew can breathe on Mars even though it should not be possible, bug like aliens showing up for no reason, the concept of time doesn’t seem to matter, and …. that’s it. Wow. In case you were wondering pretty much everyone dies. Except for Val Kilmer and Carrie-Ann Moss, they live all the way through this terrible movie. It’s just too much for one movie. Just pick a plot point, stay with it, and maybe have 1 or 2 side stories. THAT’S IT! DON’T MAKE EVERYTHING SO CONFUSING!! Honestly I could not decide which story to stay with because the dialogue constantly changes from one story point to another with no warning whatsoever! It blows my mind by saying that the dialogue confuses the hell out of you in any chance it gets!

Another problem is the acting. No one even comes close to deserving an oscar here. I honestly think that the only character with some depth is the freaking Robot that goes crazy during the film. That’s saying something right there. Val-Kilmer just sucks… again. He has no emotions and even when in the face of danger, he just does not give a shit about anything. The same can be said for Carrie-Ann Moss has the same problem as well. Her biggest dilemma in the film is whether or not just to leave the crew behind and go back to earth, or to help them out. Wow. I honestly feel bad for Terence Stamp because all throughout his scenes you can tell that he does NOT want to be in this movie. His death scene is also terrible. He “apparently” has internal bleeding and just stops where he is and tells the crew to leave him. WOW. This is what happens: the crew is walking around Mars and then FOR NO REASON, Stamp just says “oh I have internal bleeding. You better just go on without me”. What a shitty way to kill off a character. Could they have been more lazy with his death??? I mean seriously that is messed up. At least the other people die in interesting ways: killed by aliens, killed by the crazy robot, killed by a crew member. But dying for no reason??? WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!?!?!!!

The final big problem is the concept of time. I do not think they realized how messed up the concept of time was in this movie. For example: there is a part where Val-Kilmer and others have to get to a launch probe within 20 something hours so they can go back to earth. But in the last few hours before the ship has to leave it goes from being 4 hours away on foot to about 10 minutes away on foot within the span of a few minutes of the movie! WHAT??? I WAS SO CONFUSED!!! HOW DID HE GET THERE ON FOOT WITHIN A FEW MINUTES?!?!?!!?? Also in the very beginning no one is in cryogenic suspension to go between Earth and Mars. Everyone is awake and having tons of fun. Is that not what’s supposed to happen? The crew mentions it took 6 months to get to Mars from Earth. Wouldn’t they have run out of food? How could they survive for 6 months without being in cryogenic suspension??? At the end of the movie the same thing happens where they are not in suspension but just stay on the ship and go back! WHAT??? AREN’T YOU OUT OF SUPPLIES BY NOW??? UGGHHH!!!

Long story short just avoid this movie by any means necessary. It is composed of bad acting, a shitty plot line, a horrible ending, characters dying just to move the plot forward, confusing dialogue, too many plot points, and emotionless acting from everyone.

When you decide to get a movie about space leave this movie be and just get something else. You will regret watching this movie. It wasted my life and it will waste yours. I swear that it will!

IMDB Score: 5.5

My Score: 3.0

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