#7: Van Helsing

It’s all your favorite monsters thrown together into a blender and put into one movie in order to attract people to see it. The only thing it’s missing is mummies and zombies.

I will say that Hugh Jackman… Is… A Badass. Even though this movie is not that great. I mean he really just shows off his badass-ness here because his performance is what carries the movie throughout.

Again as always, stuff will be spoiled so read at your own risk.

Plot: Dracula employs Dr. Frankenstein to create the “Frankenstein Monster” for some kind of hidden purpose other than trying to create life in humans. Dracula and Dr. Frankenstein get into an argument because the doctor doesn’t want his creation to be used in Dracula’s evil scheme. So Dracula kills him and the Monster carries the dead doctor to the town windmill. The villagers see this and try to kill the Frankenstein Monster. They burn the windmill and it appears as if the monster dies. Dracula is pissed because he thinks the monster is dead.

Van Helsing is a agent for the church in Rome and it is revealed that he has amnesia (but it his past is never really explained at all). The public sees him as a murderer because whenever he kills the monsters he has to kill, they turn back into normal people when they die (his latest example was Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde) and the people thinks he just murders people for the hell of it. Anyways… Van Helsing is sent to try and kill Dracula & protect the remaining members of the Valerious Family (Anna & Velkan). The reason is because the the family swore to kill Dracula nine generations ago and is unable to enter heaven until they succeed. So basically he is trying to help them kill Dracula and not enter purgatory forever.

So the plot revolves around Van Helsing trying to save Anna a bunch of times from being killed by either Dracula or The Wolf Man (yeup… he is here too. Turns out it’s Anna’s brother. SPOILER ALERT!). And also Dracula wants his kids to live so he uses a machine to bring them back from the dead, but they die anyways… and only a Werewolf can kill Dracula for some reason… and the Frankenstein Monster is still alive… and Van Helsing gets turned into a Werewolf at the end and …. yada yada yada!!!! IT’S CONFUSING DAMMIT!

Yeah the plot is NOT easy to understand here. There are a ton of friggen loop holes here and really I think the point of the movie was not to make the audience care what was going on. There’s even a sub plot that Van Helsing is an immortal somehow and he already met Dracula and killed him before. BUT IT IS NEVER EXPLAINED!!! I mean jeez! WHY mention that if it’ll never get explained in the end anyways!!! Yeah I have no idea what the hell is going on in this movie. But to be honest, unless you are like me, and notice almost everything that goes on, then it doesn’t really matter. The reason why I am saying this is because really this movie is, like I said at the top, “It’s all your favorite monsters thrown together into a blender and put into one movie in order to attract people to see it”! Really beyond that, there is no other purpose for this movie.

Let’s talk about the problems now…

  1. The Plot. Seriously. That is the biggest problem here. I have watched this movie a ton of times in my life and everytime I watch it, I am STILL lost. Yeah. I’ve watched this movie a ton of times just because I just like seeing all my favorite monsters in one movie.
  2. Dracula’s brides are SO DAMN ANNOYING!!!! The only reason why this problem is NOT #1, is because the plot is more important than these three stupid women. Yeah Dracula has 3 brides in this movie and all of them are annoying as all hell. They constantly show up in the movie and just have WAY over the top performances here. The things that bother me the most are when either one of them dies, or their babies die, they do this weird ass mourning dance that looks INCREDIBLY RETARDED. These moments with the brides really just mean 1 thing: you are going to get a headache… and soon! Also I hate their voices. Yeah I really just despise their noise holes! They had no purpose being in this movie.
  3. The Plot. YES I KNOW I JUST SAID THIS! BUT IT IS A HUGE FREAKING PROBLEM!!!!
  4. Dracula is really boring. This is my own personal opinion. To be honest I could have seen a lot of other people do this role instead of Richard Roxburgh (he is best known for his roles in MISSION IMPOSSIBLE II and THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN). His performance is really forgettable and honestly I sometimes feel like I wanna laugh because he really does not feel like a “Dracula” to me. There are a ton of scenes where he just does “goofy things” and I’d rather see him as another Wolf Man to be honest. Or just not in this movie. Yeah I think not being in this movie would be better.
  5. Kate Beckinsale has ALMOST nothing to do. It’s really a shame because I enjoy seeing her on the screen and kicking ass in her roles! But in this movie it’s almost the opposite! There are tons of instances where she is either in need of rescue, cornered in a trap, helpless, or knocked out. She barley fights in the movie. Even though she does have some scenes involving violence with the Wolf Man and one of Dracula’s brides, it really doesn’t matter because the whole time in the movie the focus is on Hugh Jackman. Which kind of sucks for her because in this movie she, like most other things, HAS NO PURPOSE!!!

Really the only good things I have for this movie are 2 things:

  1. Hugh Jackman. Need I say more?
  2. Tons of monsters. There are a lot of them and it really puts you in the feel of being in Transylvania. The only thing this place is missing is Dr. Frank N Furter. If you don’t know who that is, then just watch THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW.

The whole point of this movie is just to show off a ton of monsters and Hugh Jackman at the same time. I mean yeah it is kinda fun to watch if you are watching it for the first time and all. I would kind of recommend this movie if you are a monster lover. Otherwise I can say that it deserves a pass. It’s nothing special in terms of movies or the “horror” genre in general.

IMBD Score: 5.7

My Score: 4.9

P.S. – I want to add the trailer for this movie. This was the main reason why I saw this movie when it came out on DVD. Man it looked awesome. Check it out below!

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