#3: The Three Musketeers (2011)

March 21st

Review #3: The Three Musketeers (2011)

None for all and all for none…

This seemed like a good idea for a movie and it was good to see that the Three Musketeers get another chance to be on the big screen. The sad part is that this movie is laughable (not in a good way and it will kill 2 hours of your life that you will not get back ..

The plot line of this film is really screwed up in more ways than one. The story is about the Three Musketeers, Athos (Matthew Macfadyen), Porthos (Ray Stevenson), and Aramis (Luke Evans) trying to recover secret plans to a war machine invented by Leonardo Da Vinci that were stolen by their partner Milady (Milla Jovovich) and The Duke of Buckingham (Orlando Bloom). The Three Musketeers are ordered to disband by the decree of Cardinal Richelieu (Christoph Waltz) for their failure and become forgotten on the streets of Paris. Next, a young man named D’Artagnan (Logan Lerman) is heading into France to find the Musketeers so that he can become one. He soon gets into trouble with Captain Rochefort (Mads Mikkelsen) and challenges him to a fight because the captain insulted his horse. D’Artagnan is easily defeated and then sets out to get revenge on Rochefort. The rest of the movie deals with a secret plan to overthrow King Louis XIII by Cardinal Richelieu, Milady, and The Duke of Buckingham. And at the end it seems like nothing happened at all! *SPOILER ALERT* the bad guys get away and the cardinal just gets a slap on the hand as if nothing really happened. Really? Is that a good way to end a musketeer movie? No no it is not.

One of my concerns with the plot is the addition of the “fourth” musketeer D’Artagnan. Within the movie he goes from being a nobody to a musketeer in no time at all and at some times takes leadership within the group even though he is new. The parts that feautre D’Artagnan just feel unnecessary and make the movie seem kind of childish. Another flaw is that his character, while being a new member, overshadows the current and long lasting members of the musketeers and makes them feel less worthy than D’Artagnan. The other thing to mention is his horse. Really? That’s why you go on a quest after Captain Rochefort? To get revenge on him mistreating your horse? Wow… I feel that there could have been a number of different things that could have contributed to D’Artagnan getting revenge: house got burned down, family got killed, personal effects got stolen, exposing the captain’s corruption for the greater good, childhood rivals … anything would have been better than “you insulted my horse now I will kill you” (and that is seriously one of the lines in the movie).

Orlando Bloom is the most useless character in the movie. Everything that comes out of his mouth is either rediculous, stupid, or just full of nonsense. In all of his scenes (there are not many) his character of being The Duke of Buckingham just spews the question “Why am I in this movie?”. He has nothing at all to do with the movie and his dialogue is something that was crafted by middle school students trying to write a script for a movie. This has to be Orlando’s worst film yet.

The last thing to mention is that there are tons of things that either get unresolved or are just forgotten about as the film goes on. I know that they are trying to make a sequel here but there are times when I wanted to go back and rewind the film in order to see if I missed anything because the dialogue changes rapidly from one scene to another and most of the time has nothing to do with what is going on in the first place.

All in all I would not recommend this movie. It’s one of the films you wish you could get your life back after watching. The plot is confusing, characters are strange, and the dialouge is childish all throughout. Don’t watch this movie. You’ll be doing yourself a favor.

IMDB Score: 5.8

My Score: 4.5

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