#3: Duke Nukem Forever

The game is made up of 3 B’s: Babes, Bad Guys, and … BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD GAMPLAY!!!

The game’s unofficial tag line is “Hail to the King Baby”. More like “Take the king, decapitate him, and then throw this game in the fires of hell”. Yeah I can totally see it now. This thing will totally sell like hotcakes if my tagline was on the cover. Why, do you ask? Because that way people would buy it only for one reason: target practice. Oh wait.. Here is another tag line“This game is just as fun as throwing poo”. Yeup. Totally a game changer.

Oh my god I honestly don’t know where to start with this game. I had heard that this was bad from tons and tons and TONS of critics. But here’s the thing: You honestly have no idea how bad it really is until you put the game in the disk and play the game for 5 minutes.

Let’s just start with the plot real quick: Basically Duke is back after 12 years from Duke Nukem 3D. The aliens have returned and Duke has to kick ass and bash their skulls in again. Basically the aliens are here to get revenge on Duke Nukem and they have also taken a bunch of women for some reason. I think they were using them to breed with them make these weird looking things called “Pregnators”. They spew egg things at you and make little alien things. Yeah. Anyways so after a lot of freaking levels that don’t really have anything to do with the plot, Duke goes and realizes that there is a wormhole around hoover dam so he goes there, kills the alien emperor, and saves the day before a nuke blows up the whole of hoover dam. The carrier that picked up Duke Nukem is sent spiraling towards the ground and then it says that Duke Nukem was KIA (Killed In Action). A scene after the credits shows Duke Nukem is alive in a press confrence saying that he will run for president.

That’s it. Ok for a sucky plot, the game gets 1 STRIKE.

The next thing to mention is the gameplay. I gotta say that the trailer really just made the game look so much better than it actually was. If you don’t remember what the trailer was here it is:

See that doesn’t look SO bad. Right?

When you first start off you are given no back story, no explanation for what happened in the previous games, and you are in a bathroom taking a piss. Literally that is the first thing you do, take. a. piss. Wow. Great way to start the game.

Also when you move around for the first time you notice the environment around you. You’re in a locker room of some sorts and the textures look AWFUL!!! Oh man it’s not just there as well. It’s throughout the whole game! There are some textures that really look like they were drawn in 5 minutes or less. I mean seriously.. DID THEY THINK NO ONE WOULD NOTICE??? I mean god! Here’s the other interesting thing to notice: all of the people, including Duke Nukem, look like crap. There are some characters with pointy elbows, bad hair textures/modeling, and everyone looks like that they are made out of plastic. Seriously I think that everyone would be better off looking like an action figure instead of a video game character. The only things in the game that look passable are the bosses and even then, they still look like crap as well.

Bad texturing is another strike: So now it’s 2 STRIKES!

Combat is pretty straight forward: aim and shoot. But beyond the incredibly difficult task of firing a gun in a video game, the game is INCREDIBLY EASY and VERY UN-CREATIVE. All of the bosses are very easy and are all beaten the same way: with either a turret gun or a rocket launcher. Wow. Really creative. Couldn’t they have thought that using something else would be better? For example: why not set it up that you cannot harm a boss with guns? You have to lure a boss into electric cables to shock him and then when he is stunned, use guns then! I mean jeez! The only time where a boss battle gets hard is the underwater lever: you have to continuously find air whilst blowing some kinda giant eel to hell. That was the only time when I had difficulty in the game. The rest of the time the game is just so boring! I mean damn. Dukes puns can only entertain you for so long. After a while you will realize that this game just makes you wanna drive a nail into your forehead in order to stop playing it! I mean sure. I could have taken the game out… but I had to get through it so I could write about it! Uggh.. I think I seriously wasted a few days of my life. I’ll never get those back so thanks a lot Duke Nukem Forever!

For wasting my life with boring gameplay the game, yet again, gets another strike: THAT’S 3 AND I CANNOT TAKE ANYMORE!!!

So in short, this game sucks. It sucks donkey turds. It sucks hair balls. It sucks more than a friggen vaccuum cleaner and vaccuum cleaners suck a lot! I honestly think I would have had more fun watching paint dry or … uh… cleaning the freaking toilet!!!

PLEASE DO NOT GET THIS GAME!!! DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT!!! It’s really bad and honestly I hope they never come out with a sequel for this game.

If you have to play Duke Nukem, then buy the 2 older games on XBOX 360 Live. Otherwise just forget this game came out. I cannot but maybe you all can save yourselves.

Screw you Duke Nukem Forever. I hate you and I really think that this is one of the biggest slaps in the face I ever got in my life. It’s a letdown, mockery and a disgrace to the other games. So don’t bother even getting it for $5. Cause that’s what I got it for the other day.

IGN Score: 5.5

My Score: 2.5

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